How the f*ck did I get here... again?

I'm still recovering from being ghosted... but I figured I should add a little background into why I only had 7 posts in 2015 and suddenly reemerged ready to slay the dating game with tales of my shenanigans and woes (literal woes, not like the Drake song).

So, a longgggg story much shorter, my boyfriend of 4 years and I decided that we were going to call it quits.


... and I moved out.


And folks, there you have it lol. That's the abbreviated Cliff Notes version of what happened. I have nothing bad to say about him. I still care about him. I still love him. I'm also painfully aware that I'm in the "rebound + healing + staying busy + mood changing every other day" phase of post-breakup life.

To be honest, it sometimes feels like a weird place to be in. Our relationship was SO long it felt like this person was a part of me. Then at other times, I reflect and don't miss the most recent version of what our relationship became because there were definitely things that needed to change. I range from wanting to call him and see how his day was (I don't), or wanting to send him an emotional email when I'm reminiscing in the middle of the night (I don't). Or ask if we can just continue to hook up until we find other people (I actually did ask this lol).

Currently, I'm writing this post and went to change the spotify song and could see what he was listening to (Drake - No Tellin') and it makes me want to yell at him for the sense of rejection and abandonment I currently feel. Let me also clarify that I'm on Day 1 of pms, so couple that with my standard Cancerian emo, and you can only begin to imagine the mood swings.

Oh yeah, I should also note that he called me recently, before a big International trip he was going on, and told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore. We were trying to "be friends" but as I was told "things change" and this was one of them.

*Deep Sigh*

That's what actually made me cry. It was like someone circling back and putting the final nail in the coffin. I try to remind myself that we're both processing our breakup and handling it in different ways. I try to not internalize his actions and words, use all of the tools I've learned in therapy... and actually at a recent appt I told my therapist (and it felt empowering to admit) that my feelings were hurt... because I still cared about what this person thinks of me.

It was freeing to not hide behind the veil of pretend post-breakup strength and just admit I'm sad. I'm not always sad. I'm actually quite happy and probably processing things relatively well (all things considered), but still... there are many times when I think of him and have to remind myself that things have changed... are changing... shit is just different.

Note that we've been broken up for about 2 months, officially... but were still living together until more recently, so I'm writing about things in close to real time... realer than some would want to share. I thought it'd be nice to be vulnerable and real. This is my blog. My safe space... and honestly, more people can relate to the raw emotion, opposed to writing about this shit in 6 months to a year after I've done all the heavy lifting. I wanted to share in real time. This is also another form of therapy for me.

So, yeah... I wasn't going to really date again, but some friends encouraged me to put myself out there and just learn to be casual. That doesn't mean casual sex (though I'm not judging...) but I'm a notorious, serial monogamist and could benefit from not being a girlfriend OR a wife and focusing on myself... learning who I am as a 31yo woman... what I like in a mate, what I love about myself... just taking time to process life.

I haven't been legit single since I was maybe 23. I was married... then divorced... then in a new relationship... now single again. The game has CHANGED! I actually asked someone if "booty call" and "sexting" were still relevant terms! Sometimes I feel old and rusty. Other times I feel like hot shit. Right now I just want a pizza and to binge watch "Master of None" for a 2nd time #KanyeShrug -- the beauty of being SINGLE AS FUCK and living alone (with my dog). I don't have to care for anyone else's emotional needs and as someone who has struggled with (and may be currently working through lol) being co-dependent, it's a fucking breath of fresh air.

So, yes... this post is long as hell, but I wanted to add some insight for those who don't know me personally and are just stumbling across this blog. My name is _____ and I'm a recovering undercover over lover. Welcome to my journey :) Let's see if I can learn to be single lol...


R Nny said...

As always, Love your honesty! It is hard to come to terms and admit to certain feelings. And you are soo right, the game out there done changed, lol. But it's always good to get those feelings out and live your "true self", it's freeing :-)

b said...

I adore you... You have such a heartfelt & honest voice discussing all of this that is so immediate and still raw and despite being across the country from you I feel like we just caught up over coffee. I loved it - it makes me want to cry and applaud you at the same time. Keep doing you - that you is so talented & lovely & worth all of the love someone can give. Xo, b

ANGELINA said...

First, I have to say you are an amazing writer, and I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share such raw emotions with us readers. Break ups are really hard, and the tough part is really picking yourself back up and getting started with life again. It looks like you're off to a great start, and using this blog as additional therapy will definitely help you through this process.

I look forward to reading about your dating shenanigans :-) I'm sure you're going to have some fun stories to tell!

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