'Til Death Do Us Part...

Let's have a moment of raw, honesty...

I'm in the midst of watching Season 2 of Amazon Prime's "Transparent" (great show) and episode 1 opened with a wedding scene. I won't spoil it for anyone, but it was a very chaotic, emotionally gut wrenching wedding.. and it made me think about my own wedding. It's funny because my wedding anniversary recently passed (not that I celebrate or even acknowledge it anymore... more like looking at the calendar on my desktop and realizing "oh, I guess it was a few days ago..." type of feeling).
So, yeah... here I am watching this emotional wedding scene, thinking back to my own wedding. I remember it so clearly. It's actually crazy... the older I get the less vividly I remember moments, but this is one I remember so clearly it's almost haunting.

My ex and I decided to go to Vegas due to our military family lifestyle (which I like to specify because some people think we eloped. We didn't). We chose Vegas because it was convenient to where we were in Arizona, the process was relatively straightforward to get married, and it was affordable. So there we are, in Vegas, just the two of us. I remember us bringing a change of "nice" clothes to wear to the chapel, but we ended up ditching that idea and just going in with our jeans and gym shoes. It was casual... we were casual. It was perfect for us.

I chuckled because we got married at the Little White Wedding Chapel (like Britney Spears lol), and I recall the lady who worked at the front kept correcting me whenever I said "well, this isn't my real wedding..." she was like, no dear... this IS your wedding. Anything else you do after this will be something amazing and extra, but today -- this will forever be your actual wedding day.

Our plan had been to make it through all of our military deployments and then celebrate at like 5 years or so down the road. I guess we were part cynical, part head over heels in love. We thought that 5 years would be "worth celebrating" with friends and family, while this ... that day was just for us and while special, you were celebrating the "pre-marriage." Like, go through some stuff, grow, thrive... then turn-up (note: the term "turn-up" didn't exist back then lol)

We didn't have any friends or family with us, so one of the employees served as our witness and the head guy married us. As I walked down the aisle both my ex and I were overcome with emotion. It felt like time stood still as we prepared to embark on a crazy journey together. I remember some details in flashes... saying our vows while tears flowed, holding one another's hands... but more than anything I remember feeling like this was the person I was going to live my entire life with... without a doubt. I was 100% sure this was it. He was my soulmate. We were even born on the same day... same year. It felt like this was it.

It's funny how two people who thought they would live together... love together... die together... are reduced to strangers with memories. Sometimes, not often, but on occasion it plays over in my mind like a terrible version of Groundhog's Day -- remembering in great detail the way my ex held my hands and looked into my eyes as he promised to love and protect me forever. I remember how warm I felt. Sometimes I don't know whether to be happy to have experienced a moment with such pure love, or slightly annoyed that I experienced such an extreme high and extreme low with the same person.

It's weird to get married and subsequently divorced in your 20s. You become part of this club where membership usually belongs to women in their 40s and 50s, yet you're bonded in a shared experience. People who have not experienced marriage, while they can speak about it... until you've experienced it yourself it's different. Same with divorce. and military life. I have all these unique experiences, badges of honor or love battle wounds (however you view it) all before I turned 30.

Now I'm 31 and trying to figure out how to be single and casually date while my friends are getting married, having babies, and starting their "forever". My soul is old af, y'all lol... 

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