Step 1: Out of Sight, Out of Mind

It honestly feels like I've reverted back to the early stages of a break-up. I'm emotional off and on, dipping my toe into the "crazy ex" pond... sometimes diving head first... feeling valid emotions, followed by spurts of hating myself for mourning a relationship that was so unhealthy. Why in the hell do I miss my ex? Do I even miss him? I think I'm just frustrated. Why? My heart aches... which is then followed by intense anger and annoyance. I left our relationship with more scars than I had coming into it and it's starting to get under my skin. Suffice it to say I feel resentful. I know this will pass... but for now that's what I feel.


Step 1: Out of Sight, Out of Mind.

It took some time, but I deleted every single picture of the two of us on Facebook. That's over 4 years worth of memories with someone... milestone moments... erased. I deleted his friends and family from my friend list and other social media. They're lovely people and I have grown to love them, but I don't want to be privy to his life or the people in it. I don't want to see updates about him. I don't want to know how he's doing. Not now. It's too fresh. I want to imagine a life where he's not there... instead of the reality that we live within 2 miles of one another.

I desperately want to heal from our relationship. I'm someone who feels everything and I'd like to feel nothing when I see him. I want no emotions... neutral, which is a safer space to be in than feeling hate or love. I'm sure I'll always love him... it's like he still has pieces of my heart. I just really want them back... with interest (okay... "interest" may be petty lol)
I had been keeping a painting he made of me a few years ago. We went to this paint night back in Chicago and drew one another. It was a fun memory... he tore up the picture I drew of him last year during an argument. He claimed it wasn't about the fact I drew it, but more so he hated the person he was during that time. Today I tore up the painting he did of me. I didn't want to stare at a reflection of how he saw me. What once was a fond memory suddenly made me feel like I was living in the past and holding onto this moment of us in time. I didn't want a painting he did... and it's now in the trash.

My friends keep telling me the same thing I've often said to them, time will heal everything and I'll look back on this and view it as a learning lesson. I know this is true. I will heal. Time will pass and I'll move on... the pain will go away... I'll forget some details of our relationship... I won't want to spazz out at the thought of seeing him. It's just so difficult being in the heat of the moment... the start of that journey. Hell, I'm not even at the beginning. I'm sure I'm somewhere near the halfway point where you can't see the beginning, sure as hell can't see the end, but know you've made some progress... but how much further do I have to go?

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