Step 3: Letting Go and Changing Habits

I woke up at 3:18a this morning after having a traumatic dream about you. I believe there is a lot of power in the words we speak, mine especially, so I won't repeat (even in writing) what the dream was about... but I woke up disturbed and thinking of you. I looked at the clock and realized the date. I knew what today was...

Having spent the past 4 years with you on this weekend, this 5th year I guess my body exerted some sort of muscle memory and instinctively knew where I should be and what I should be doing. I wanted to message you and let you know that I was thinking about you and see how you were, but I didn't. Instead I looked up the meaning of my dream, followed by looking up tips for healing from being co-dependent. I said a prayer and sent my well wishes for you into the universe, hoping you would receive them.

It dawned on me that despite having the best of intentions and wanting to really connect with you in a positive way, it was self-serving. I wanted to let you know that you were in my thoughts, but being honest with myself... that's probably not what YOU need right now. I think it hurt my feelings a bit to have that realization... that what I want and what you want are no longer aligned, on any level... and even in the painful, hurtful moments... I'm not the best person to be there for you. That's hard. After 4 years, we've both moved on... so this 5th year is ushering in new habits. But let me just say, it's a painful process (at times) breaking old ones.

I laid in my bed for 2 hours with a splitting migraine, unable to sleep. I forced myself to not brainstorm ways to reach out to you... no calling, no texting, no email, no social media. These are the moments when break-ups are hard... when significant dates pass and you have to break your routine.

I guess I'm carrying a heaviness around with me today knowing that you probably are heavy too... but I hope you're not. I hope you're finding a way to heal and honor the good memories... while allowing yourself to celebrate how far you've come and enjoy the journey as you continue to grow... which I truly hope you're growing.

My therapist asked me if you were possibly a rebound relationship that went well past its expiration date. I didn't know the answer, but I always knew we had a special connection and were meant to be in one another's lives. I never knew what that would look like -- the capacity, time frame, etc... but you were in my life for quite some time, and as I work to heal from the damage we did to one another, I have to take a few deep breaths to get through the weekend.

Time heals all and I know that each day will get easier... I hope the dreams fade, along with my resentment... I hope that my heart heals. I hope yours does too. You have a knack for keeping people at a distance, but I penetrated that... and for a while, yet you're still somewhat of a mystery. I hope you're able to let someone else in and be a better person to them and to yourself.

When we ended our friendship I wanted to take away all of the positive things I brought into your life, but I'm learning that when you truly let go of a relationship... you have to let go of the bad AND the good. That was hard for me... the good. I wanted to take everything with me, but it's not possible. I've tried to erase your memory to ease the pain in my heart, but realized my healing process is so damn cutthroat that I probably couldn't be on the receiving end of it. I'm sorry my boundaries are so cold, my emotions so vast, and my tongue so sharp. I'm on a road to loving you from a distance... when the best way to love someone is to leave them alone. It's best for both of us. We've done a number on one another. It makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.

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